Six

I have a 'friend' who I used to value. His life wasn't easy, and because I sympathized I'd often helped by slipping him cash that I didn’t expect to be paid back. That was fine, until I realized that he'd made 'borrowing' a lifestyle, one that seemed to sustain him and his girlfriend very well. I wasn't the only one he'd borrow from. Just the other day he was telling me how another friend of his had been picking up his tab at his favorite pub, which he visited almost every night.

I don't get that. I don't get not having any sense of dignity, because to me leeching off of others is anything but dignified.

But that's not my concern, he's free to live any way he wants. What does concern me is that when I was moving out and I needed every single penny I had, he'd asked me to bail him and his girlfriend out of a stupid situation involving a booked five-star hotel room and a non-valid credit card. Despite my better judgment I loaned him 100 euros – money that I couldn't afford to give away. Instead of covering the penalty fee for having to cancel his reservation because of their faulty visa like they should have done, he used the money and a little bit extra that they scrounged to go ahead and pay for the room and have a great weekend on the beach.

Calm down, I'd told myself, it looks bad but give them the benefit of the doubt.

So a week later I called him and I explained that I needed the money back because I was really tight on funds.

"Of course, you'll have it in a week." Sincerity incarnate.

A month later and no money. I hate asking for money, I hate talking about money, but I still texted him telling him that I'm sorry to bring this up again, but I could really use that cash. Timidity and politeness.

"Of course, I apologize for the delay. I have a client paying me back in a week, you'll have it then."

Several months pass. I meet them several times, no mention of the money is made. They show me their new smart phones, her new dresses, talk about the new apartment they rented so they can fuck without their parents breathing down their necks. I'm fucking pissed off.

Seriously? After every time I stood by you and supported you, even when it came at the expense of my own best interests, you relegate me to the bottom of your priority list? It's not like I'm even asking for a favor, it's not like they can't afford it. They clearly just don't give a shit.

So I held it in, kept it to myself like I normally do, and it festered. It became so bad that it poisoned my every thought, constantly triggering imaginary arguments where I'd rant at them and rip into their moral fiber. Fuck you both, you're shit friends! I couldn't concentrate at work, I couldn't focus properly on driving. It would eat at me while I was doing my grocery shopping, sitting with friends, supposedly relaxing…

And then the voice of reason spoke. This isn't healthy, it said, you need to talk to him. She's an idiot, he's the main problem. Tell him everything, but don't be rude.  

A few days ago we went out – the first time in several months. I gave him room to brag about how well his startup business is going, how he's thinking about buying a new Galaxy Note, about how he's thinking of opening a new branch in a different country. And then I struck.

Unsurprisingly, there's nothing smooth or cool about me. I was all awkward smiles and stunted sentences – the usual case when discussing ugly topics. I tell him that the reason I haven't been seeing him and his girlfriend is because I was upset with them. He's all attentiveness and concern. I tell him I feel like they've placed me at the bottom of their priorities because they didn't pay me back that loan when they knew that I needed it and when I'd specifically asked for it twice, something that I never do. The excuses come, he knew that that was the reason why I'd pulled back and he'd apparently given me a few months to cool off (bullshit), but he'd be paying me back next week. He's actually not doing so well, he's got a lot of expenses, he's been living off his friends, etc. What the fuck ever. You lost me a long time ago, buddy. But I just smile a strained, polite smile and nod, glance at the half empty basket of fries and try not to let my inner thoughts show.

Today I went out shoppingwith them. His girlfriend paid me back the 50 euros that she'd taken from me before, clearly he'd spoken to her. At 10:30pm I tell them I need to leave because I have to find a cab home, my car's at the garage. He volunteers his girlfriend to drive me. I try to get out of it, the drive is out of her way, it's late, it's alright. He insists saying that I always go out of my way to give her rides – which is true, and she'd refused to pick me up that one and only time I'd asked for a ride because I was 'out of her way'. But whatever, that was a long time ago. I don't want anything from her. I manage to avoid getting that lift.

I know they're trying to make things 'ok' again, but I'm just not interested. One friend down, one acquaintance up.