Twenty-four

It started when a gay friend asked me why I was so supportive of the LGBT community when I was so clearly straight. I'm always uncomfortable with that question, because I don't know how much to admit. With this friend, I sort of took a little leap of faith and switched from my usual "because if it were me I would have wanted to be supported", to "because there was a while when I was confused about myself and I understand what it feels like".

He couldn't leave it at that, of course. So I explained, and as I spoke he took on a strange look, a suspicious sort of understanding. And then he said, "Q, you do realize that you're describing what they call transgender or transsexual tendencies."

Wow, the discomfort. The squeamishness. The stream of denial. "Nah, it's not like that. I can't be transgender, I grew out of it. You can't grow out of that, right? I'm fine being a woman. Really. No, really. Stop looking at me like that." 

Since then, I've been struggling not to think about it. But inspite of myself, I have been thinking about it, and while I don't know what to do with it, I've started to accept that, maybe, my tomboyish-ness, self-loathing and severe depression as a kid and well into my late teens did have an underlying reason other than crazy hormones.

I'd always hated being a girl. I resented everything about it, from my body to the social norms I was expected to follow. A few times during my early and mid teens I was even thought to be a lesbian by classmates (though they'd never come out and say it to my face) because of the way I dressed and acted. I guess the most telling discrepancy was that, when I dreamed, I was always a guy. It wasn't until I turned 23 that I would sometimes be 'me' when dreaming. Now, I'm always female in my head, and I've even grown comfortable with it. Can you grow out of hating the sex/gender you were born into if you really are transgendered?
 
A more important question is, if I or my parents had recognized my situation for what it was, gender dysphoria, how would my life have turned out? Then again, with my parents being the way they are, maybe it's a good thing that they never realized. Maybe it's a good thing that I never realized, because it would have been too complicated. Especially considering that I like guys.

I really don't know what to do with this. All that I know is that, as ridiculous as it might be, if I'd followed my instincts as a kid, I would have turned out to be a gay guy. But now that I've become 'normal', should I even think about this any more?